I've got so maaaaaaaaaaaaaaanny things to tell. I don't think this entry can make them all. hahahhahaa. I've got mixed feelings, and I absolutely know why. That is caused by something big happen today, something that had given me so many many... new friends, new experience, new thought(s), arrrrrkh! etc! The 9th ICMSS really took my heart. ICMSS is a capital seminar held by MSS. I am (or was?) one of staffs there. at first, I was not too excited, but when I got jobs, so many things to do, to call, time by time I became very spiritful!!!! especially when I finally got sponsorship from one of well-known yoghurt in Indonesia (I really can't tell you its name!) I feel I really contribute, at least a little. hahahhahaha.
arrrrrkhhh so many things I got! so many people I befriend! Thanks God.
Well, I am very happy because the day(s) of seminar is over, which means that I don't need to wake up very early to help preparing the seminar. that was so tiring. But I am also sad, because it means I have to separate from them, especially Puti, Nana, Gina, Kak Ata, Marsha huhuhu. I spent most of time with them there, before and at the day. now, we will rarely meet. I may still be able to meet GIna because we have one same class, COOPERATIVE. but the others will be very hard to meet. huhuhu. I am getting sad. waaaaaa
I really hope I can contribute in the 10th ICMSS. I really found my friends and togetherness there.
above and for ALL, I thank GOD. Really. He has made a very beautiful path for me here. He made me to become one of the 9th ICMSS family. I happened to be in demotivation, but He carried me again and again until I became really spiritfull! arrrrkhhhh. YOU ARE GREAT.
this mixed-feeling is so confusing as well as VERY BEAUTIFUL. :)
Something special today. My Mom called me. I was so missing her, very happy as well as sad hearing her voice only from my cellphone. We talked for minutes. She asked me if I'd adapted with all stuffs here and I just answered yes. THAT'S ALL LIE!! But I don't want to make her worry about me. Who am I that I worry her? She has so many other important things to worry, my father, my brother and sister. She has given me to God fully to be taken care, so I cannot worry her. and Him. Well, I cried while talking. But I was trying so hard not to make my mother hear the sobs. I also told her what I was and am still feeling about my unstable Dad, a fight we had before I left. She said she had already warned and scolded him. I just really wish my father called me. My mother and brother have, it's only my sister and my father haven't. I really wait.
and this day is better, I think. I don't know whether it's caused by my talking with my mother via phone in the morning after accounting class or not. I feel calm, happy. a little bit nervous perhaps, because of the plenary meeting I would had in the night, but it was over happily. LOL. Thanks God for making me feel better and more alive. and thank You for reminding me to prepare some quality time with you from my time, not leave some of my time to spend it with you. those two are different and I have realized it. thanks God. :)
I miss my family. But to be better, I need to be independent. for my friends, sorry for my being unstable during some times. I can't promise you I change my 'moody me', but I promise I will not show you such a pity face. anymore!
well, I have a very beautiful picture of Mai Kuraki for the cover of her upcoming single on March 2010, entitled Drive me Crazy. this is it
she really has left her teenage style. I think she now wants to become a singer as well as trend setter. I quite refuse it, actually, but physically, people surely change, included her. huhuhu. her upcoming single is quite unique and funny. wanna hear it? check it out in Mai Kuraki's site . :)
sleep tight, Sound Sleeper. hahahahha. bye on the next days~~~~
This day, I have unstable mood. I don't know why. I feel my friends cannot be like what I've expected. But I am a little bit glad because one of my friends, Lanni, shows her care to me. thank you LANNI :))))
I read some notes from facebook. many of them tells about love, love, love. They remind me about the existence of Valentine Days. heheh. this is my eighteenth year I've passed that day without special boyfriend. the saddest thing is I have to pass it without my family. one thing that doesn't change : Jesus watches over me. sounds so 'Kege-eran', hehhe. sorry, i know I don't deserve to say this.
Friends are God's apology for relations. ~Hugh Kingsmill I found this quote when I'm looking for family quote. I really don't have any idea what it means. really. 'God's apology?' :(
I still miss my family till now. haha. it's just like an unstoppable habit now, especially when I am alone. everytime I face something hard, I always call my mother in my heart. I know I am wrong, my mother has asked me to only pray and rely on God. but this is unstoppable. again and again, tears drop without getting bored.
Life is tough, world is heartless. I realize it now. My family has been my shelter since I was kid, and now I should put them away because I can not depend only on them. I should hang on Him. This is hard. really hard. I should fight again with this burden. I should try to lift it. :(((((
the family is a heaven in a heartless world. ~Attributed to Christopher Lasch
I slept very late last night but thanks God for He woke me up early in the morning, about almost six a.m. I had time then to do quiet time, to take a bath then to go to church on time. Unfortunately, I couldn't have rice and chicken as my breakfast because they needed few times to finish while I had to come on time to church. That was 7.36 a.m when I got to the canteen, church will be at 8.00 a.m and I didn't think I'd make it on time if I had them as my breakfast. that's why I only ordered three doughnuts to fill my stomach until I went back from church and had enough time to eat breakfast and at the same time, had lunch.
I had some problems actually before coming to church. My struggle, my bad thoughts, even my friend made me hard to focus. Even when I was crossing the road, the message my friend sent me keep coming to my mind. I didn't know what to reply that's why I didn't reply. Not replying it was and is the best way, I think. But slowly the situation of my mind changed when I arrived at the church, hearing song that I didn't know the title. That song had fast beat, made me clap my hands. Well, my mind didn't fully focus still, but that was just better than not focusing.
Then the preaching time came and the Preacher was the man I love to hear his, Pdt. M. Hutagalung. The passage was from Genesis 50 : 15-21, about Joseph who comforted his worried brothers after the death of their father, Jacob. Pdt. Hutagalung told us about how Joseph could forget what his brothers did to him before. He said Joseph was one of men whom God blessed and who always walked in the path God pointed. Inside himself, there are criteria for the winner. Now I wanna tell you the winner criteria Joseph has :
1. He forgot bad things happened in the past. He didn't live remembering what his brothers had done to him, what his master, Potifar and wife did. He just went forward toward God's plan, leaving the bad marks behind without looking back. Well, we, errhm, I can't. I hardly forget bad things happened to me. And it happened because Satan always reminded me and taraaaaa, we easily fell into those memories then we became sad because of it. Winners had to win over their bad memories!! Fight!
2. He didn't have any revenge to anybody who hurt him and just forgave. Joseph's life wasn't easy at the beginning. He's deeply loved by his father and it made his other brothers jealous to him, even angry when Joseph said they would bend their knees in front of him someday according to his dream. His brothers threw him into the wells, sold him that made him live in Egypt. He then worked for Potifar,became his confidant but because Potifar's wife lie, Joseph had to be prisoned. There, he didn't cry or remember all faults they've made to him. Even, in the Genesis 50: 19 he said : But Joseph said to them, “Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God?" when his brothers begged him sorry and bent their knees in front of him. How hard those things to be done. I myself even admit that I still have revenge to those who are at fault at me. Never pass in my mind before that forgiving and forgetting may be two of a winner's criteria. Well, that opens my mind, makes me learn to just forgive and forget.
3. He wasn't proud or arrogant with what he's given and got. Blessed by God in every time, every situation, every where and loved and trusted by Firaun didn't make Joseph proud. He did like common people did. When her brothers came, he didn't show them proudly what he had. He was willing to share with them. He even rarely asked, God gave him. He knew everything he got came from God. As human who lives now, I admit I often brag about what I have to people. perhaps, they don't realize because I try to talk without an arrogant tone. Sometimes, I don't realize everything I have is from God. I stupidly boast what I've got to my friends, to my enemies to make them jealous. Like I don't know all I have is because of God's will.
4. He only stayed and lived according to God's plan. Joseph was ever attempted by Potifar's wife to have an affair with her. He was asked twice, but he never accepted. Imagine how his life could be if he followed Potifar's wife saying? His life might not be as blessed as he ever had. Like Saul, who left God and so did Simpson, they firstly lived a life according to God's will but finally they got out of God's plan who led them to tragic life. Joseph was different, with all temptation and suffering he lived, he was still loyal and followed God's plan. That's why He won many things! this is the most important part for me. recently, I happen to think that I am not able to follow God's will. I always felt something wrong, I thought I should be against Him because the path He chose for me wasn't proper. Hearing this preach makes me realize what I was going to do is wrong. He chooses me to be like this, here in this place, then it just should happen. I will forget all my sadness and lonesome because of my stupid want to fight Him because I'll never win. But when I stay and live according to His plan, I'll surely win.
last but not least 5. He was never afraid. He was thrown into the wells. As we all know, wells is very dark inside. Joseph was young at that time but he was never scared. He didn't even cry (Joseph only cried three times : when he met his brothers after long time he didn't, when his father died, and when he saw his brothers begged sorry from him). when he was prisoned, he was also not scared. He kept believing in God, had faith on Him. That's the his key for being brave. I really want to laugh at myself. I often feel scared whenever problems come, whether it's just small or big. I also can say that I firstly cry over the problems then look for the solution. Being afraid and crying won't solve any problem actually, and now I promise I will learn to ALWAYS try solving problem rather than crying over it. I want to be a winner in His eyes, then I shouldn't be an afraidoooo.
That preaching has opened my mind as well as brightened my firstly blue Sunday. I promise myself after going out of the church, I will leave all bad memories I still think, forgive him or her who hurt me, feel I have nothing to be proud of because these things I have is from God, only stay and live according to God's plan, and never be afraid. and now, I'm not burdened anymore. I can smile to everyone, included my friend whom I have a little problem with. heheheh.I want to be like Joseph who win over struggle, thoughts, temptation, even himself. How about you? Do you? I gladly wish so. ^^
God, I know I should thank You for a month you gave me to gather with my family. We didn't go to many places. We just went to common places, bought ordinary things like clothes, bags, so on. But I don't think that's enough. Seeing my mom's messages on facebook only makes me feel like going back home. I sometimes feel I have made wrong decision to school here. It's been my second semester to be university student here in this city. but I still cannot eliminate this lonely feeling. My friends surround me, fill my time but that cannot make this lonesome away. I even have ignored them for some time because I was too much into that darn feeling. I feel disgusted of myself, for being a person who can't be grateful to God for what He has given. I always ask more, more while God has declared that's enough. God is never wrong and I'm sure of it, but why do I always feel something's wrong? I can't think rationally now. Tears have been my close friend since I arrived here in Depok. I really don't like crying, I try my best avoiding it. but that's what it's called 'nature', 'naturally'. I can't avoid something naturally happens. My mother asks me to pray when that lonesome and sadness come. But I am still weak, I can't fight them. I get better after praying, but when I do my activities, suddenly those things come to my mind and stay there. they don't want to go though I've ordered them. I'm so bashful whenever I see my friends smile like they don't drown in the ocean of lonesome and sadness. They are like me, people who come from other city here only for school but they successfully avoid those feelings.\
Actually, this can't end without me being strong. I know counting on God is key of being strong. but I don't know... some parts of myself disagree with His choice. God, You never comes late helping me. I beg You... Help me to put away my lonely and sad feeling, help me to fully agree with Your will, help me through this difficult time... I'm drowning in this ocean and it's You who can help me. I know I ask too much. I am sorry for being sinful who ask more than I should ask...