Problems soon solved

Belakangan ini aku baru sadar...
Di mata teman-temanku, aku tak lebih daripada 'cewek yang suka Jepang-Korea'. Gak salah sih sebenarnya, tapi waktu aku mikir-mikir lagi kok cuman segitu ya diriku di mata mereka.
Oke, aku akuin aku suka hueeebooh minta ampun kalau ada video klip penyanyi Korea favoritku. Aku suka banget diskusi soal Conan. Aku suka banget dengerin lagu-lagu bahasa Jepang ama Korea, nonton drama-dramanya plus anime, hingga akhirnya aku jadi tertarik belajar bahasa kedua negara yang penduduknya notabene mata sipit. Masih banyak lagi sebenarnya hal-hal lainnya yang mencerminkan diriku sebagai 'Chrystine si penggemar Jepang-Korea'. Tapi masa sih semuanya itu bener-bener nutupin hal-hal lainnya dalam diriku?
Dibilang sedih, kurang tepat. Kesannya aku sentimentil banget. Tapi yang jelas perasaanku saat ini jauh dari senang waktu ingat akan pikiran teman-temanku tentang aku.

Oh ya, dugaanku bukannya tanpa alasan lho. Beberapa orang langsung aja ngejawab pernyataan yang ada di kalimat atas itu waktu aku tanya apa yang mereka pikirkan tentang aku. Dan waktu aku minta terusin, mereka malah mikir. Hhh... di mata mereka aku bener-bener hanya begitu ya?

Yang membuatku makin kepikiran lagi soal pendapat mereka tentang aku adalah pernyataan Bapak Tumbur Tobing, seseorang yang dipakai Tuhan dengan sangat luar biasa, waktu membimbing saya dan teman-teman saya dalam pembinaan 'Christian Economist'. Dia memang ga menujukan perntanyaan ini langsung ke aku, tapi entah kenapa aku merasa perlu mencari jawaban akan hal ini juga. "Mereka tahu tidak kamu Kristen?"

Bukannya mau sok kudus, walaupun memang aku tengah berusaha untuk itu, tapi aku pengen banget aku dan kehidupanku benar-benar menunjukkan kalau aku ini Kristen -- pengikut Kristus. Sikap dan gaya hidupku haruslah mencerminkan Kristus, orang yang aku ikutin; Guruku, Juruselamatku, Tuhanku. Dan aku pengen ketika mereka, siapapun itu, melihatku, mereka bisa melihat sosok Dia yang sangat aku andalkan itu. Mereka bisa melihat aku yang Kristen, si pengikut Kristus. Yah, mungkin dengan kalimat yang berbeda lah, karena ga semua orang tahu tentang Kristus. At least, mereka menyebutkan salah satu ciri-ciri kepunyaan-Nya yang ada dalam diriku.

Aku sadari sepertinya memang ada hal-hal yang harus aku rubah dalam hidupku, salah satunya yang paling mendesak ialah rasa antusiasmeku pada Jepang-Korea. Tidak salah, tapi aku gak mau sepanjang hidupku orang-orang yang berada di dekatku hanya melihatku sebatas itu saja. Aku ingin mereka melihat sisiku yang lain, aku ingin menjadi saluran berkat bagi mereka lewat kehidupanku yang terbatas ini. Aku ingin menjadi instrumen untuk pekerjaan-Nya di bidang pelayananku ke depannya. Aku ingin mereka bisa melihatku sebagai Kristen. Aku sadari, itu bukan perkara mudah. Tapi ketika ada kemauan, Tuhan pasti siapkan jalan.

Aku gak akan meninggalkan rasa kagumku pada Jepang dan Korea. They indirectly tell me, in some ways, how to work wholeheartedly and not easily give up my dreams. They have good songs to my ear, good looking people to see, good stories to read and watch via drama or anime, unique languages to talk and speak (like mine ><). Yang harus aku lakukan ialah mengarahkan rasa antusiasme yang selalu berlebihan --pada apapun-- kepada Dia yang lebih pantas mendapatkannya. Karena aku adalah pengikut-Nya. =)

Another trashy poem

Kamu tahu panah itu apa?
Pernahkah kamu melihatnya?
Bisakah kamu gambarkan bentuknya?
Dapatkah kamu ceritakan padaku bagaimana dia?

Tahukah kamu apa yang saat ini berada di dada kananku?
Yang menembus kulit dadaku dan menarik darah keluar membasahi separuh tubuhku?
Tahukah kamu apa yang tanganku rengkuh saat ini tanpa punya kekuatan untuk menariknya dari dadaku?

Jawaban pertanyaan awal...
sudahkah kamu temukan?

"Trusting God while crowning own self as god"

"I believe in God. I do trust He exists. But I don't think I should stick with any religion... I don't think any of them suit me, suit values I'm holding..."

Recently, I've been realized that people, who call themselves agnostics, really exist, here in Indonesia. As we all know, Indonesia is a religious country and, perhaps because I usually live in the places where people are known to have their own religion, I am so surprised to know that agnostic one is really... soooo near to me. And I can't believe he was one I used to have a crush on...
He was Christian before. I am disappointed... Not because of my crush on him but more of how he throws away salvation offered for him just to hold what he thinks what's right...
Call me shitters, but I just conclude from everything I analyze on him. He's a libertarian--really is. and he's proud of it. He holds that fathom from top to toe of his. Not just an libertarian in economist, but for every aspect of his life, he holds that. That is , I figure, why he become agnostics... Trusting God but choose to hold no religion for he believes everyone has their own preference and should not be ruled by others...
I may not be as religious as a pastor, but I don't think becoming agnostics is a good decision of his life--nor of any people's life. If one thinks holding certain's religion will tie you for it consists of so many rules, norms, telling you what needs be done or not... If one thinks that doing as he/she likes is what's best for him/her... Then what does one believe in God for?

He is really influential. so unfortunate that he will only bring that kind of influence for his environment. I don't know what's so good from liberalism that he chooses to be with for his life. doesn't he realize that this fathom guarantees him nothing at the end? that this fathom will soon expire after his life? that it is vain to hold on and act according to such a fathom for all his life in this world?

If only he understands that it's not religion which rules... it's God, who has given life to every human in this world, who takes care of human when none's beside, who sacrifices His Son just to save human from death, so that He can live with His creature forever. If only he understands that after all God has done, there's no reason for him to crown himself as the king of his life... there's no reason for him to believe that he himself knows what's best for him, there's no reason for him to say he trusts God but because he has his own values he... arkh...

If only he knows that Christian is not only a religion and does not tie... it's an identity... for it tells everybody that 'I am a follower of Christ'. Which shows everybody that 'I am FREE! FREE FROM EVERLASTING DEATH! HEAVEN IS JUST ONE STEP AHEAD!'.

It's so hard for me to explain but never focus on the religion, focus on God. It's not religion that holds, but God does. it's not religion that saves, God does. It's not what you've done, but what God does that saves, for He sacrifices His own Son just for this world...

Well, I seem to dramatic and judgmental. But I'm so sad to know that one near to me can be like this. At last, that's his decision, for this time. I can only pray that God will do something for him...