Many things happened during these two months. All things fought and pushed each other to make an entry to my narrow thought. That's why I lost inspiration and I didn't know what to say here.
Okay, enough for the stupid reasons...
But yeah, many things happened. good and bad. pleasant things and unpleasant ones. Yet it's never enough to say thanks to Him who always helped me breathe and even worked for me everytime things got messed, of course done by me.
I am now in Medan after about 6 months been in city crowded with cars but poor roads. It's a lie if I said that I'm not joyful being here. Actually, I dont know why but suddenly I hate that city. I hate its design or whatever it is. It's all messed. I hate all cars there, the drivers exactly, who are mostly egoistic. I hate everything in spite of the fact that I study there.
I hate my room. I hate the loneliness I feel there. I hate the fact that I always do sin and good at the same time.
Most of all, I hate myself. I never did my best there in everything. I hate myself for I am too emotional. I hate myself for not being able to accept who I really am. I hate myself for always being dramatic and suddenly becoming a drama-queen. I hate myself for always wasting time doing sins. I hate myself because I don't have any spirit to compete like I used to be. I hate myself for regretting having many beautiful and nice friends. I hate myself for desiring too much yet putting less effort. I hate myself for not being able to be change for Him. I hate myself for being a poor hypocrite in front of Him. I hate myself for lying too much in front of Him.
I hate myself there in Depok.
That's why it's such a relief for me to be in this city, with my family. It's a sweet escape for my black mind.
But I know my time here will not be as much as I want. School waits. And it takes some days for my leaving back to that city. Heartache comes everytime I remember that. Yet I know I have to prepare...
God helps... just like He did before. And He always will.
Interesting...
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