Whatevs.

 Wooow, things have changed! Including the display of the writing area. And it's been years since I stepped my fingers to this blog lols.

Well, as usual, I decided to come here just for ranting. I have no friends to talk to about my current issues and that's not because I literally have no friends, but because I just don't trust any of my friends lols. It's one of my big problems. I don't want to depend on anyone and try to make myself comfortable containing all my thoughts and worries by myself. Guess this is also one of the reasons why my love life fell through lolss. 

Anyway, I am confused right now. I have a mindset that I can achieve anything as long as I try (well, added a component of luck too of course lols). But at the same time, I have almost zero confidence that I am able to achieve it. Confusing? OF COURSE! I even want to punch myself for being so damn inconsistent. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me? 

And last year, in 2020, I've been picking myself up to write fictions again. And I challenged myself in the beginning of this year to start writing a novel. But hell, I couldn't. My plans to write monthly short stories in my social medias and other blog fell through. I blame it on my laziness and insecurity and super lack of confidence. I've been collecting ideas but no push to write them down. I read novels and mangas for inspirations but yeah it's more enjoyable to just read them enjoyably hahaha. 

Been thinking of giving up. I can't trust myself anymore. Huh.

I am Releasing...

I'm stealing time from my work to go to this blog since I dont think I can take this anymore.
I'm freakin bored. I can't focus. I dont think everything works smooth as I expect. I dont save enough money coz I am not rigorous enough. I am so lazy as fck. I dont feel motivated in doing anything. I end up watching K-pop videos on youtube to distract my mind that keeps blaming situation and myself.

I am sad that my friendship does not work as I hope. I try not to misunderstand people and I dont know why she can misunderstand me. Am I not clear enough in my action and words?
I dont know if I can contribute to society.

I question my choice to be alone for some time. I dont think I am strong enough handling a life partner now. I still have some unfinished business with myself.

I thank God that I have a mother who can understand me.
I thank God that my father is still breathing and trying to be humorous even though we sometimes crash in opinions.
I thank God that my sis and bro are pursuing their dreams and visions.

I thank God that there are books available.

Bin

I come here to throw trash in my mind.

I am in anxiety, almost gone depressed. I ruminate problem about relationship I am currently facing.
I know there is nothing to hope in this relationship. But I realize I am not that strong. I think I do not deserve love at all. I have terrible personality combined with horrible face. I expect too much while I already received a lot. In one part I feel I am in the wrong side, while the other part of me thinks I am the rightest.

I know this is bullshit, you may think. I don't know how to express this. I just realize how undeserved and unworthy I am.

Expectation Kills... Part 2

Up till now, I always buy the idea that Billbo had before going to his adventure. Living alone and comfortably in his own sanctuary while having all his needs and wants prepared by nature. I have realized, since I was little, that it is hard to deal with people. It takes quite long time for me to make friends and open up. But when I do, it can only happen to very few people. That is why, I think, I can only count with all fingers I have the number of people I can call friends. The rest are just passers in front of my door. And those very few people, I can say they are very unfortunate knowing me. Why? Because only to them I can open up, everything. Only with them I want to do everything. And also to them only I pour and throw up everything, from gold to mud. And only on them I put so much expectation that they can give me special treatment, that when I find they don't, I can be greatly disappointed. Sometimes, to be honest, I regret having friends at all, since I can never be satisfied at all by their existence.
But the rest of The Hobbit movie, at the end, contradicts with my belief. Billbo got both new experiences and friends he could not forget and always long for. I am still here, finding human ,while I am no exception at all, are all disappointing. We are at risk of being disappointed or disappointing. To live collectively in society is such a burden. Putting your heart and thought for specific persons is like crashing a car towards river.
Reading this might make you realize that I am such a selfish person. I will not deny it. But I think I have a right to be, and everybody else does, and you do, too. For any kind of reasons. For me, it is because I have this limit of living in society, this limited number of friends. And I strongly want them to be, stay beside me whenever I need them. Whenever I want them. Whenever I need them to accompany to eat. Whenever I need them to go with me to saloon. Whenever I need them to drink with me. Whenever I need them to listen to my stories. Whenever I need them to be my trash can.


Because I promise myself I will, whenever they need me to.

Keep It Together

My heart beats faster
Yet hurts deeper
Every time your name passes me by
Even though we spend time together
Much more than any best friends would do
My mind goes wild and restless
Every time you leave
Every time I leave
I cannot think clearly
If one ever said that you are my folly
No more I couldn't agree
The sense of security I get from you
Is irreplaceable
Yet I never feel secured
Once I remember that
You may fall, truly fall, for another ladies
This feeling I shouldn't and couldn't have possessed
Kills my rationality, mocks my stronghold

Had I to be honest,
I never liked you befriend too close
with other ladies
Even though they are my friends, too
I want my place to be irreplaceable
Yet I know that is not fair for you
That is why now I try
To keep it together
To learn that I am your best friend
And best friends support each others
Since I promise myself to be the light
and one of the reasons of anything good
that may happen...
or you do in your life
The pain I know will appear and bite
But I will bear it since it is my mistake
To put too much thought and heart on you

I hope we can be best friends forever
And I hope we can realize the True Life
And pursue it together

That is why all these insecurity, hurt, love I have
I will keep it together
I will keep it together
I will keep it together
I will...

The Impossible

And I think I fall
And I fall for the impossible
That impossible, though it really is impossible
never leaves my mind
He's like in every corner of my thought
And my soul feels like pulling him inwards
But what can I do?
Like his name, he's impossible

And I think I crave
And I crave for the impossible
That impossible, though it really is impossible
always fills my hearts
It is so unfair how he makes me drowned
And he just lets me feel like this
With no knowledge of how I feel
While he is impossible

I cant get enough of the impossible
Every time the night comes
I hope the sun will rise soon
And I will see the impossible again
While my chance is only this far
I am surely happy
He may be impossible
But it's still possible to stay beside him
With the limit around

When anxiety tortures...

Can I be forgiven？
My sin is oh so big
Uncountable
I wish God gave me a refugee
To make my minds think clearly
So I can walk with Him again
in the sanctuary